What Do You Mean My Writing Sucks?
by Actual Cannibal
Summary: When no one's following, no one's favoriting, and your fanfic is sitting on the metaphorical shelf collecting dust as you wait with bated breath for someone to give you some feedback—"Here on the Haruno Show, we're here to help guide you on the wondrous journey of learning to become a better fan fiction writer!"—Because sometimes authors just need a little help.
1. Chapter 1

A pale, pink-haired young woman wearing a pair of freshly pressed black slacks and a green cashmere sweater lounged comfortably on an armchair in the center of a large room. On her right, a tall, lanky man in standard jonin gear sat slouched in his seat—three-fourths of his face was covered with a mask and given the state of his hair, it was quite possible that it had never been brushed. Ever.

Several cameras were stationed at different parts of the room, each capturing a different angle of the two shinobi sitting at the center. A thick stack of papers could be seen resting on the large coffee table in front of the chairs.**  
**  
The woman smiled brightly as she looked up into the camera. "Good morning and welcome to the Haruno Fan Fiction Review Show, broadcast live at Konoha Station. I'm Sakura Haruno, and this is my co-host, Konoha's number one resident bookworm and literature aficionado, Kakashi Hatake!"

Kakashi grunted upon hearing the sound of his name but didn't look up from the book he had his face firmly planted in.

"Here on the Haruno Show, we're here to help guide you on the wondrous journey of learning to become a better fan fiction writer," Sakura continued. "I'm sure you're all wondering the same thing: What makes a story good? What enthralls readers; what is it about certain stories that cause someone to become so engrossed within a fictional world that they're unable to stop turning the pages? How many times have you started reading a story, only to think to yourself, 'This seems okay, but I really just can't get into it'? I'm sure Kakashi here has had the same problems. Isn't that right?"

"Uh-huh."

"Unfortunately, we can't tell you how to write. There's no set formula to use to guarantee success, and just because you know what makes a story good doesn't mean you'll be able to easily do it yourself. What we _can _tell you, though, is how _not _to write," Sakura loudly cleared her throat and looked towards her co-host. "So, Kakashi, I bet you're wondering what this stack of papers is."

"Sure."

"Before you can worry about making your story good, you have to first know how to recognize what makes a story _bad_. So without further ado..." Sakura reached towards the hefty pile of manuscripts sitting on the coffee table and picked up the two top documents.

"In front of us is a stack of fan fiction transcripts, each one littered with errors that would send them flying off of a publisher's desk and straight into the garbage faster than you could say 'Shannaro!'" Sakura chuckled to herself and moved to hand one of the documents to Kakashi.

He didn't seem to notice.

"Kakashi, in order for this to work, you're going to have to put the book down," Sakura said, pointedly waving the transcript in her hand.

"Oh, right. Sorry." Sighing, he reluctantly closed his book and grabbed the paper.

"Today's lesson will focus on dialogue. Let's begin with the first transcript. Kakashi and I will take turns narrating."

"We will?"

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #1  
**

* * *

Kakashi had just left the cenograph after talking to Obito and was on his way back to his apartment when he heard the sound of someone crying. He looked to his right and was greeted with the sight of one of his ex-students sitting curled up by a tree.

"Sakura? Is that you?" Kakashi called out.

Sakura looked up, startled. She hastily wiped her eyes and prayed that her sensei wouldn't notice the tear streaks covering her face. "oh hi sensei. what are you doing here"

"Are you crying?"

"n-no. im ok" she said.

"Okay, if you say so-"

Sakura immediately burst into tears. "god im so useless. why are you even bothering to talk to me. i never do anything to help. im always being saved and if i died nobody would care. sasuke was right, im useless and annoying. id stay at home and make sandwiches for everyone but i cant even cook"

Kakashi just stared at her, at a loss for words. He didn't have any experience comforting a crying female. What was he supposed to do?

Sakura sniffled. "im sorry"

"For what?"

"for not using proper punctuation. im guessing its pretty hard to figure out how my lines are supposed to sound when i refuse to capitalize or use commas"

Kakashi shrugged. "Eh, I've been reading all of your lines in a monotone voice anyway."

Sakura glared. "take this seriously or im not letting you read the dialogue anymore"

"Oh no, how terrible. Whatever will I do?"

"Well, then!" Sakura stood and dramatically pointed an index finger towards him. "I hope you like Kermit the Frog, because that's how I'm reading your dialogue for the rest of the show now!"

He raised an eyebrow. "I suppose it's only fitting that I read _your _dialogue in Miss Piggy's voice then," Kakashi paused for a moment and in a high-pitched girlish squeal, he said, "Oh, Sasuke, you beautiful hunk of a man! Please make love to me!"

"S-Stop it! That's not funny! Kakashi, I'll kill you-"

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #2**

* * *

"In this story, you and I are partners on an exciting undercover seduction mission," said Sakura.

"Both of us?" said Kakashi.

"Yes, that's what I said, wasn't it?" said Sakura.

"It just seems a bit strange. I mean, two different seductions on one mission-" said Kakashi.

"Just shut up already," said Sakura.

"If you insist. It's not like I'm the team captain or anything," said Kakashi.

"These speech tags are getting really annoying," said Sakura.

"You noticed too? Don't forget the complete lack of descriptive prose," said Kakashi.

"Okay, next section," said Sakura.

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #3**

* * *

After exiting the Hokage's office, Kakashi spotted Sakura several yards away.

Running up to her, he gave her a one-handed wave. "Yo, yo. What's up, homes? Like, are you ready to go on that one steamy mission?"

Sakura blinked. "I do not know what you are saying. What is this mission you speak of?"

"You for real? Like, the one that really hot blonde assigned us, like, a few minutes ago, or something..."

"Of course," Sakura said. "I cannot believe that it slipped my mind. How preposterously embarrassing. Please forgive me for my horrendous lack of decorum."

"Mathematical!" Kakashi pumped a fist in the air. "Wait, what does that even mean?"

Sakura shrugged. "I don't know, but this story feels like it's missing something... Aha! Here," She pulled a bright red baseball cap out of thin air and placed it backwards on Kakashi's head. "Now this dialogue is a little more believable."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #4**

* * *

"I can't believe it took us three whole days to get to Ame."

"Yes, well, that's what happens when a certain someone insists on stopping at every hotsprings along the way."

"Oh, whatever. I didn't see you complaining at the time."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I-"

"Just drop it already, okay! We're here now, and we've got to get the ball rolling on this stupid seduction mission."

"Right, right. Who was doing the seducing again?"

"Um... Sakura."

".._You're_ Sakura."

"Oh, right. Of course I am."

"..."

"Wait... Are you sure?"

"Unless your voice dropped several octaves in the last couple of seconds, yeah, I'm sure."

"Man, this is confusing. Even though I know the speaker switches with every line, I keep losing track of who's talking. I keep having to go back to the beginning to count..."

"Honestly, Sakura. If you had just agreed to read out loud in the voices of Miss Piggy and Kermit, we wouldn't be having this problem."

"Fine. You win. Kermit away."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #5**

* * *

"Sakura, stop. You can't seduce him," Kakashi implored earnestly.

"Why not?" Sakura inquired wonderingly.

"Because I love you!" Kakashi ejaculated emphatically.

"What?!" Sakura gasped loudly. "But Kakashi! You're my teacher. That's _wrong!_"

"But that's what makes it so hot, Sakura!" Kakashi insisted fervently.

"I'm sorry, I can't," Sakura admitted tentatively. "You see, I..."

"What, what is it? Why do you keep resisting my advances?" Kakashi drilled angrily.

"I haven't even seen your face!" Sakura dramatically cried out.

"So? What are you, shallow?" Kakashi retorted crossly.

"Kakashi, how could you say something like that to me?" Sakura sobbed theatrically and ran away from him.

"Wait, where are you going? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Kakashi screamed furiously after her.**  
**  
Sakura stopped running and flinched as his scream echoed throughout the room. "Wow, good going, Kakashi. In the last sentence you just a.) went all caps, b.) used an exclamation point, c.) screamed and d.) finished the line with a redundant adverb. Okay, I get it, you're angry. I don't need that many hints to figure it out. If the dialogue is well-written, the tone should be obvious enough without needing that many reminders," she sighed. "Really, it's okay to use the verb said. People frequently read the dialogue aloud in their heads as they imagine the conversation and after identifying the speaker, they skip right over the 'he said, she said' portions. Going out of your way to use a different verb to denote dialogue for every single line just draws attention to what you're doing and disrupts the flow of the story."

Kakashi nodded in agreement. "And if you really want to avoid using 'said', it's much better to punctuate your dialogue with descriptions or actions that further the story and give the reader a visual of what's going on."

"Exactly, Kakashi. While we're at it, I'm getting a little bored of dialogue. Let's wrap up with something new."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #6  
**

* * *

_It was love at first sight_

_I know from the way she looked at me_

_Her eyes said it all_

00000

It was a stormy night, and Kakashi was walking alone through the streets of Konoha. The faded orange jacket of Icha Icha was drenched and heavy with water, its position in his back-pocket leaving it unprotected against the heavy down pouring of rain.

_00000_

_Long days and nights, we spent_

_Until she dropped the bomb on me_

_When she said that she was unhappily married with children  
_

* * *

Kakashi paused, scratching his head. "Wait, I'm confused. Am I supposed to be reading the italicized part in Kermit's voice too?"

Sakura scowled. "_No_, you're _supposed _to be singing it to the proper tune."

"But I don't know this song."

"Then look it up!"

"This is stupid."

"Whatever, Kakashi. You just don't understand the subtle intricacies and emotional depth that song lyrics can add to a story," Sakura huffed.

"But these lyrics have nothing to do with anything. I'm just walking around in the rain. I'm probably going to catch a cold, too. And—did you read that? Icha Icha's been ruined! I would _never_—_"  
_  
"How do you know it has nothing to do with the story?" Sakura rolled her eyes. "Maybe you should look up a little something called foreshadowing."

"And maybe the author should look up a little something called 'learning to write your own goddamned poetry.'"

Sakura sighed. "Ahem. Well, it's about time to wrap up for today. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you again next week on the Haruno Fan Fiction Review Show. Sakura Haruno and Kakashi Hatake, signing out!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello, and welcome back to the Haruno Fan Fiction Review Show! Today, Kakashi and I will be focusing on a variety of somewhat unrelated topics," Sakura winked into the camera. "Although the most common and easily identifiable errors in fan fiction are often related to grammar and poor characterization, there are many other aspects to a story that can throw readers off. Even the best seemingly well-written piece can be bogged down by numerous problems, including things like poor pacing, unnecessary and drawn-out scenes, and over-the-top descriptions. So, Kakashi, why don't we start?"

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #7**

* * *

"One-percent or two-percent?" Sakura asked as she held out two jugs of milk in front of Kakashi's face.

"One-percent is fine."

Sakura wrinkled her nose. "One-percent is a little watery, don't you think?"

"Then get two-percent," Kakashi shrugged.

"Alright, next on the list..."

**[..the author continues to narrate as Kakashi and Sakura go through their entire grocery shopping list..]**

Kakashi frowned as Sakura reached for the nearest bottle of soy sauce on the shelf in front of them.

"Sakura, grab the other brand."

"What, why? I always get this kind."

"It's buy one get one free."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "We don't need two bottles of soy sauce, Kakashi. We're only going to be here for three weeks, maybe a month tops."

"You don't know that," Kakashi said. "Besides, it's still cheaper, even with two bottles."

"Fine, whatever. Just put it in the cart."

**[..several additional paragraphs later..]**

"I can't believe she's getting married wearing _that_," Sakura chuckled to herself as she flipped the page of the magazine in her hand. "It looks like she's wearing a garbage bag. Did you see this?"

The gray-haired jonin didn't respond, but Sakura was too absorbed in the celebrity magazine to pay him much heed.

"Morning, sir. Did you find everything you needed today?" The cashier asked as he began ringing them up.

Kakashi grunted noncommitally as he continued unloading the groceries from their cart onto the conveyer belt.

"Are you a member with AmeMart?"

Kakashi shook his head.

"Would you like to sign up today? It's free and you save 10% on select purchases."

"No thanks," Sakura said, having returned the magazine to the impulse-buys shelf. "We're not from around here."

"Okay, but you have to be club members to qualify for our discounts. You'd save 50 ryo with a membership today."

"Really, it's okay-"

"How long will it take to sign up?" Kakashi cut her off.

Sakura sighed.

"Oh, only a few seconds," the cashier smiled brightly. "Here, fill this out. Just put your name and address, and sign here..."

After filling out the form, Kakashi handed it back to the man in uniform.

"Alright, your total comes to 570 ryo. Will you be paying with cash or-"

"Cash, please," Kakashi said quickly as he handed the clerk a small wad of bills.

Grabbing their grocery bags, Kakashi and Sakura walked out of the store, stopping just outside the front of the building after exiting.

"So, what's next?" Kakashi said.

Sakura handed one of her grocery bags to Kakashi and pulled a paper notepad out of her flak jacket with her free hand. "Let's see... We need to stop by the boutique for formal attire, the discount shoe shop—don't look at me like that, Kakashi; you were the one who insisted on cutting the mission's budget—the post office, somewhere decent for dinner because I really don't feel like cooking tonight—I was thinking that cute little Tepanyaki house we passed earlier. You know, the one by the-"

Kakashi sighed. "Do you think the author is going to walk us through every excruciatingly boring detail of those too?"

"God, I hope not."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #8**

* * *

Sakura tapped her foot impatiently as she stood waiting by the front entrance of their hotel room. Kakashi was taking _forever_ in the bathroom, and the ball had started nearly ten minutes ago. She knew he had a penchant for being late, but this was just ridiculous. They were on a mission, for Hokage's sake...

Sakura's head snapped up as she heard the door to the bathroom click open. She jerked her eyes towards the door and opened her mouth to complain, but as she gazed up at him, the words die on her lips.

Kakashi was dressed in a formfitting slate gray peak-lapel suit, which was accompanied by a sleek charcoal gray tie that contrasted nicely with the silver in his hair. A silver pocket square was folded neatly in his break pocket, perfectly accentuating the formal attire. Underneath the suit was a crisp, white button-up shirt. Every inch of clothing was freshly pressed; her eyes drifted downwards, catching on the slim leather belt fastened at his waist, the color of which...

**[ten paragraphs of description later, all highlighting the exact color and brand of his socks, pants, shoes, wristwatch...]**

The sleeveless cocktail dress that Sakura wore was a stunning deep red; the stretchy material perfectly hugged the feminine curves of her body and the lowcut V-neckline provided Kakashi with a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage.

Kakashi took quick inventory of Sakura's figure before letting his eyes linger pointedly below her neckline.

"Wow, that dress makes your boobs look great."

"Kakashi!" Sakura gasped, scandalized. "Why didn't _my_ outfit get paragraphs and paragraphs of pointless description? And why aren't you completely floored by how stunningly gorgeous I look? How are the readers supposed to believe that you find me sexually attractive _now_?!"

"Um, I don't know. Maybe the author got bored halfway through? Or maybe she was too busy salivating over how dashing I look-"

"Do you even know how much this dress cost me? Can you even tell what it's made of?!"

Kakashi raised both eyebrows. "Who do I look like, Patrick Bateman?"

Huffing irritably, Sakura turned away from him and stared dejectedly at the floor. "How is anyone supposed to visualize my outfit properly if the author doesn't describe every last inch of it? I spent two hours in the boutique picking this out and... and don't you care?!"

"Actually, I don't. And neither do the readers."

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #9**

* * *

Sakura stood huddling over the hors d'oeuvres table, fuming silently to herself as she munched halfheartedly on some cheese and crackers. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Kakashi from across the room as surreptitously as she could manage.

The man in question was _supposed_ to be keeping tabs on their target, but instead he was loitering near the bar area as a wanton woman draped her arms loosely over his frame. The woman was all big blue eyes, voluptuous curves and blonde ringlets; the innocent beauty of her face contrasted sharply with the trashy neon pink haltertop she wore. It even had _sequins_, Sakura noted with distaste. She clearly had no sense of style.

After listening to the woman giggle flirtatiously every time he spoke for another couple of minutes, Sakura finally edged her way over to the two of them.

"Oh, Hitoshi, you are _so_ funny!"

"Excuse me," Sakura snapped.

Kakashi glanced over at his pink-haired partner, seemingly unaware of her bad temper. "Hm?"

"Can I speak to you for a moment? _Alone_?" she said, eyeing the woman at his side meaningfully.

"Oh, who is this? You didn't tell me you brought your little sister with you, Hitoshi-kun!" The blonde batted her eyelashes playfully. "How cute."

"Um, yeah... I'll be right back, Megumi," Kakashi gently pried the woman off of him as he allowed Sakura to drag him away by the arm.

Once they were a decent distance away from Megumi, Sakura whirled on him.

Gritting her teeth, she whispered, "We're on a _mission_, Kakashi. How can you let that harlot hang all over you like that?"

Kakashi looked back over at the scantily clad woman before shrugging sheepishly. "Ah, sorry about that, Sakura. I have a thing for one-dimensional, cardboard cut-out inserts who only function as jealousy-provoking plot devices. Didn't you know?"

* * *

**Fanfiction Manuscript #10**

* * *

Kakashi woke up, bleary-eyed and winced at the painful pounding in his head. The light sifting through the windows was almost painful to look at, and he groaned into his pillow as he stretched out his limbs. After a moment, he heard a feminine voice mumbling softly near his ear, and his eyes snapped open—

* * *

Kakashi stopped reading and squinted in confusion at the manuscript.

Sakura blinked up at him. "What's the problem, Kakashi?"

"I can't read this."

"Why not?"

"It's... it's one giant paragraph."

"Huh?" Sakura frowned and reached for her own manuscript. "Gah! My eyes!"

"Yep," Kakashi sighed.

"Okay viewers, this one is pretty simple. No matter how beautiful your writing is and no matter how interesting and otherwise well-written your fan fiction seems, no one wants to read a giant text block of 5000 words. Please, please, _please_ indent. Paragraphs exist for a reason. They break the text into manageable chunks and provide the reader with natural stopping points. Nothing is worse than being interrupted while you're in the middle of a story and completely losing your place because the author doesn't understand the concept of indenting. Most readers are going to just get frustrated and find something more user friendly to entertain themselves with."

"Speaking of frustrated, I think I'm done for today," Kakashi said. "See you next week."


End file.
